With love..

Dear 2010,

 Here you stand, at the tipping point of time, dangling dangerously towards the vast hollow of eternity.  As I watch you slip away, I am consumed by the irresistible desire to hold on to you with all that I am worth, for farewells have never been easy for me.

 I can still taste the chocolate cake that I had saved with much excitement and devoured at the stroke of midnight, alone in my apartment in Chennai, as the fireworks announced your arrival. I remember watching your birth wishfully, impatient to unravel the mysteries within your fold.

I was a thesis student then, counting days off you, for I couldn’t wait to be finally termed an architect. In my imagination, I would be a stellar architect, an elegant and sophisticated working woman…only if I could just manage to finish the thesis on time!

You must have had a hearty laugh at my fantastical delusions and must have rubbed your hands together in glee.  It must be entertaining to watch unassuming people make a million resolutions and then watch them break each one, justifying each broken resolution with the burden of a million others.

I did finish the thesis, and though my final review was a horrific experience and  tears were wasted over the catastrophic review. They were genuine tears, though ….the bitter seeds of disappointment.  Ruminations on almost everything is often a borne out of a disturbed mind, grief and distress are often the best teachers.  I lived through the disappointment, but it taught me that the only competition one must have is with oneself.  Sometimes you’re ahead; sometimes you’re behind, in the end you're alone anyway.

However, when I look back at you...i will not remember the thesis and the tears , but that day at the beach. The rocking boat and the bright orange life jacket.  The group hugging and the excited screaming as we jumped out one by one from the boat into the clear blue sea, far from the shore… hanging on the rope that dangled off the boat, holding on tight as the waves lashed against our bodies, insisting on carrying us with them. The Catamaran ride.

The fear, the excitement, the recklessness and the. warmth of friendship. That’s one memory I want to hold on to. I would always want to remember how awesome it feels to step out of your comfort zone, break your inertia and do something different.  What is life, without the occasional adrenaline rush?

You taught me that there is a bit of truth in what they say about ignorance – it sure is bliss. For in my ignorance, I had imagined that getting a job is the easiest thing to do.  As usual , I was wrong , and the one month and half that I spent after mailing the resume to the selected few offices was perhaps the most frustrating  period of my short life.  The absolute joblessness coupled with my unique ability to foresee doom in every possible situation made every day a struggle as I imagined the worst possibilities and felt unaccountable sympathy for the large unemployed segment of youth in our county.

Regretting is almost a habit with me, for now I regret that precious one month that I could have spent satiated at home, relaxed and peaceful.  For the job came to me at the right time leaving me to mull over what I consider one of the biggest flaws in myself. The incessant worrying, the uncanny pessimism.  Worrying is one activity that gets you nothing, except for lost time. If something is beyond you control, do not worry about it….Nobody has mastered luck with worry.

2010, you saw me transform from a student to a professional. From an arrogant senior in college to the junior most staff in office. You must be laughing heartily watching the headstrong and haughty me slink around the office and develop a fight or flight response to the long-haired boss.  Every day the office is a new story of my wonderful capacity for stupidity and exceptional ability to speak the exact thing that does not need speaking. The making of the professional that I am is a learning process that might just make me immune to the feeling called embarrassment.

That apart, my thirst for the written word is threatening to drown me in its fervor and many books were my companions as i walked with time.  Your hands must be hard, for they have smoothened my edges.  I am no longer of the sharp, steely edges.  An atheist to an agnostic, a die hard capitalism admirer to a grudging socialist. From judgemental to compassionate, from idealistic to flexible, from impulsive to thoughtful…..

You leave me a little wiser; you have been a wonderful teacher.

Farewell  my friend , you will be remembered with love , for you came to me an empty canvas and leave smeared in the colors of my life.

With love ,

Gymnast.